Why I’m Okay

Posted August 23, 2021 by Sarah Green

Categories: Featured, Sarah, Sister Post

I’m okay.

After my son’s wedding a couple of weeks ago, I wondered, “Why am I okay?” Why was I not grieving more or feeling let down, which has been my history? 

As a nine-year-old, I’d race down the dirt road chasing my mom’s car, afraid to be left in a new space—a new school in a new state, which felt foreign to me. 

As a teenager, my dad came west for a visit to see his girls. Yet my young heart only recognized a soon-to-be farewell and a repeat of a forsaken heart. 

As a young mom with my sweet babies, I bore what felt unbearable postpartum. 

Loss and Change Felt Crippling

Was this my fate, to grieve loss and change in ways that felt crippling? For so long I imagined this was wrong, even bad, and thought “I shouldn’t feel this way.” Those thoughts left me in a hidden world where I feared sharing emotions altogether. I more often than not had a sense that I was not okay. 

I just assumed the cause was the lingering effects of my parents divorce that had shaken my world.  It’s true, the loss I had experienced as an eight-year-old girl broke my tender spirit in many ways. Yet, something changed in me over the years, into adulthood. I learned a lot. I  learned that I’m okay!

Growth

Growth doesn’t just happen. It’s a journey which ebbs and flows. Sometimes we sense growth and other times not so much. For me, it’s been long and enduring with bumps in the road, but always a commitment to begin again. 

It started many years ago with the grace I encountered through endless hours of pounding the pavement and writing through hundreds of journals. In those collective moments of silence and prayer, I slowly became unafraid. Unafraid of tears. Unafraid of acknowledging pain. Unafraid of walking through my emotions. This created a space for healing to begin. But the change wasn’t what I expected it to be.

I wanted God to take away my emotions and fear of letting go. He did not do that. To the contrary, he exposed the lies I carried in my heart. Grief isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a beautiful part of a healthy process. When I acknowledged this, and truly allowed myself to grieve, I learned that there wasn’t something wrong with me. I learned change is hard, but embracing it, even crying over it, was healthy!

My son’s wedding at the end of July was beautiful! My family and I spent most of July preparing our hearts for the change and acknowledging that it would be hard. Many journal entries and tears amidst the joy preceded the wedding. As a result, so much peace has come from walking through the emotion. Today,  post-wedding, I am grateful to say, “I’m okay!”

Are you okay with your emotion? I want to encourage you today to feel your emotion without criticism or apology. Affirming your emotion is a gift you can give yourself that is essential for healing and growth.